just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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