the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
