he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
