i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
