I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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