I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
