my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's rum buckets o'clock
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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