dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you would pick up someone in the library
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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