Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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