Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
