I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
