she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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