I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
