Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need to calm my uterus...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
