Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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