Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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