There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
