one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
