i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
