he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
