when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize