I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
