What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
