You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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