Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
