Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
