Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Boobs are out for the taking
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
