Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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