He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
