i think my tv is drunk
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
