He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
