I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
