so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
