i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
