I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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