Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
