So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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