There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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