I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
