Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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