hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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