Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
