my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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