You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
