Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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