So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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