You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
