My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
