I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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