If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
