Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
