just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
