I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
