phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
